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Profound Statements!

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.
— John Adams
2. If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
— Mark Twain
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
— Mark Twain
4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle ..
— Winston Churchill
5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
— George Bernard Shaw
6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
— G. Gordon Liddy
7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
— James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
— Douglas Casey, Georgetown University
9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
— P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian
10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
— Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
11. Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
— Ronald Reagan (1986)
12. I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
— Will Rogers
13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free!
— P.J. O’Rourke
14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
— Voltaire (1764)
15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you!
— Pericles (430 B.C.)
16. No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
— Mark Twain (1866)
17. Talk is cheap…except when Congress does it.
— Anonymous
18. The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
— Ronald Reagan
19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
— Winston Churchill
20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
— Mark Twain
21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
— Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
22. There is no distinctly native American criminal class…save Congress.
— Mark Twain
23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
— Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)
24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have away.
— Thomas Jefferson

How old is Grandpa???

 

Stay with this — the answer is at the end.

It will blow you away.
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.
The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The Grandfather replied, ‘Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

‘ television

‘ penicillin

‘ polio shots

‘ frozen foods

‘ Xerox

‘ contact lenses

‘ Frisbees and

‘ the pill

There were no:

‘ credit cards

‘ laser beams or

‘ ball-point pens

Man had not invented:

‘ pantyhose

‘ air conditioners

‘ dishwashers

‘ clothes dryers

‘ and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and

‘ man hadn’t yet walked on the moon.

 

 

Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . … And then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, ‘Sir’.
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, ‘Sir.’

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

 

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President’s speeches on our radios.

And I don’t ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with ‘Made in Japan ‘ on it, it was junk

The term ‘making out’ referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald’s, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn’t want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . … But who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

‘ ‘grass’ was mowed,

‘ ‘coke’ was a cold drink,

‘ ‘pot’ was something your mother cooked in and

‘ ‘rock music’ was your grandmother’s lullaby.

‘ ‘Aids’ were helpers in the Principal’s office,

‘ ‘ chip’ meant a piece of wood,

‘ ‘hardware’ was found in a hardware store and

‘ ‘software’ wasn’t even a word.

 

 

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.
No wonder people call us ‘old and confused’ and say there is a generation gap. And how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man in mind…you are in for a shock!

Read on to see — pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.
Are you ready ?????

 

This man would be only 59 years old.

1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded.

‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied,

‘I’m having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.’

She looked down at his shoes and said:

‘You lying bastard!
You’ve been playing golf!’

 

 

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

but always talked about having a son.

 

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

 

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

 

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

 

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

 

He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?’

 

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
‘No, not this time!’

 

 

The 3rd Affair

 

A mortician was working late one night.

 

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

 

‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician
commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.’

 

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

 

‘I have something to show
you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

 

‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed,
‘Schwartz is dead!’

 

 

The 4th Affair

 

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

 

‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’

 

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

 

‘Don’t move until I tell you,’
she said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’

 

‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

 

‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied.
‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.’

 

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

 

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

 

‘Here,’ he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.’

 

 

The 5th Affair

 

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

 

‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’

 

‘One Cent?’ the man exclaimed.

 

He glanced at the menu and asked:
‘How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?’

 

‘A nickel,’ the barman replied…

 

‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man.
‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’

 

The bartender replied:
‘Upstairs, with my wife.’

 

The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs
with your wife?’

 

The bartender replied:
‘The same thing I’m doing
to his business down here.’

 

 

The 6th & Best Affair

 

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

 

He looked up and said weakly:
‘I have something I must confess.’

 

‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied.

 

‘No,’ he insisted,
‘I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!’

 

‘I know,’ she replied.
‘Now just rest and let the poison work!!

Still Want a Smart Car?

 

 

Below is a photo of a wreck in Jefferson Parish, LA (near New Orleans )
Between two trucks and a Smart Car.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Think I’ll pass on the SmartCar!