Email Or Not

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. ‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family – but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his manhood in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.
The husband terrified, screamed, ‘Stop! Stop! You’re not going to cut it off are you?’ The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, ‘Nope. You are. I’m going to set the garage on fire.’

In a Chicago Hospital , a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. “Sir,” she said, “You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.” He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP and a red one labelled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? ; He couldn’t resist… He pushed WW… Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men’s restrooms don’t have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom; it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn’t wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.. “What happened?” he exclaimed. “The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.” “The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.” MEN NEVER LISTEN

I’m passing this on because it worked for me today. A doctor on TV said that to have inner peace, we should always finish things we start. We would then experience more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I’d started & hadn’t finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminum scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvuum.

I was at Wal-Mart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dog , in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT ??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle’s butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Better watch what you ask me and be prepared for my answer. I have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say……………………