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You Are A Disrespectful Pig

The Wife Came Home Early From Work And Found Her Husband In Bedroom Making Love To A Very Attractive Young Woman.

She Cried: “You Are A Disrespectful Pig! How Dare You Do This To Me — A Faithful Wife, The Mother Of Your Children! I’m Leaving You. I Want A Divorce Right Away!”

Husband Replied: “Hang On Just A Minute Love So At Least I Can Tell You What Happened.”

She Sobbed: “Fine, Go Ahead, But They’ll Be The Last Words You’ll Say To Me!”

And The Husband Began –

Well, I Was Getting Into The Car To Drive Home, And This Young Lady Here Asked Me For A Lift.

She Looked So Down And Out And Defenseless That I Took Pity On Her And Let Her Into The Car.

I Noticed That She Was Very Thin, Not Well Dressed And Very Dirty. She Told Me That She Hadn’t Eaten For Three Days.

So, In My Compassion, I Brought Her Home And Warmed Up The Enchiladas I Made For You Last Night, The Ones You Wouldn’t Eat Because You’re Afraid You’ll Put On Weight.

Since She Needed A Good Clean-Up, I Suggested A Shower, And While She Was Doing That, I Noticed Her Clothes Were Dirty And Full Of Holes, So I Threw Them Away.

Then, As She Needed Clothes, I Gave Her The Designer Jeans That You Have Had For A Few Years, But Don’t Wear Because You Say They Are Too Tight.

I Also Gave Her The Underwear That Was Your Anniversary Present, Which You Don’t Wear Because I Don’t Have Good Taste.

I Found The Sexy Blouse My Sister Gave You For Christmas That You Don’t Wear Just To Annoy Her, And I Also Donated Those Boots You Bought At The Expensive Boutique And Don’t Wear Because Someone At Work Has A Pair The Same.

The Husband Took A Quick Breath And Continued: “She Was So Grateful For My Understanding And Help That As I Walked Her To The Door, She Turned To Me With Tears In Her Eyes And Said,

“Please … Do You Have Anything Else That Your Wife Doesn’t Use?“

Two Women were chatting in office..

Woman 1:”I had a fine evening, how was yours.. ??

Woman 2:”It was a disaster.. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep.. How was yours.. ??

Woman 1:”Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner.. After dinner we walked for an hour.. When we came home he lit the candles around the house..It was like a fairy tale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work..

Husband 1:”How was your evening.. ??

Husband 2:”Great.. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep.
What about you ??

Husband 1:”It was horrible. I came home, there’s no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that i didn’t had money left for a cab. We walked home which took an hour and when we got home i remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!!

The Perfect Husband:

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes”
WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather
coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
“WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked.
“MAN: “How much?
“WOMAN: “$65,000.
“MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
“WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.
“WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!
“MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

A blind man walks into a restaurant

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. “I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and I can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer and I’ll order from that.” A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes a deep breath.

“Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have, meat loaf and mashed potatoes.” Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. Mary the cook happens to be the owner’s wife and he tells her what just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

The owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him. He tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs into the kitchen. He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.” Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. “Good afternoon, sir. This time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.” The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, “I didn’t know Mary worked here.”

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.”

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”

Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

Hillary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to s*x I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”

Bill answered: “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.”