Email Or Not

Are you aware that Jeff Foxworthy is now picking on Michigan? Read on. (Pretty funny and accurate!!)

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Michigan.

If you’re proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Pellston is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Michigan.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Michigan.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Michigan.

If someone in a store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you might live in Michigan.

If your dad’s suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his
forehead, you might live in Michigan.

If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time, you might live in Michigan.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Michigan.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Michigan.

You know you’re a true MICHIGANIAN/MICHIGANDER when:

1. “Vacation” means going up north on I-75.

2. You measure distance in hours.

3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

4. You often switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.

5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard wthout flinching.

6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

9. You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

10.Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

11.You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.

12.You can identify a southern or eastern accent.

13.Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

14.You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.

15.Down South to you means Ohio.

16.A brat is something you eat.

17.Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn.

18.You go out to fish fry every Friday.

19.Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

20.You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

21.You find 0 degrees “a little chilly”.

22.You drink pop and bake with soda.

23.Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it’s not medicine.

24.You can actually drink Vernors without coughing.

25.You know what a Yooper is.

26.You think owning a Honda is Un-American.

27.You know that UP is a place, not a direction.

28.You know it’s possible to live in a thumb.

29.You understand that when visiting Detroit , the best thing to wear is a Kevlar vest.

30.You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Michigan friends!

A legal question:

Is this statutory rape???

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation.

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, ‘Well then, maybe I’ll just go out and catchmy own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!’

The shopkeeper said with a shy smile, “Well little lady, why don’t you go on and give it a try?’

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lighting reflexes, the blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto it’s bank.

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, ‘#@&%#!…….. THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT, TOO!’

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a pasionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved, and unlovable. An entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the male therapist got up, walked around the desk, and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?’

The husband thought for a moment and replied, ‘Well I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.’