Email Or Not

An elderly couple was vacationing in the American West. Sam had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. On the next to the last day of their vacation, he saw the perfect boots on sale, bought them, and proudly wore them home.

He sauntered into their hotel room and said to his wife, “Notice anything different, Helen?”

Helen looked him over, and said: “Nope.”

Sam replied excitedly, “Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?”

Helen looked again. “Nope.”

Frustrated, Sam stormed off into the bathroom, undressed, and clomped back into the room, completely naked, except for his boots.

Again, he asked, a little louder this time, “Notice anything DIFFERENT?” Helen looked up and said: “Sam, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Sam yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!”

To which Helen replied: “Shoulda bought a hat, Sam; you shoulda bought a hat.”

1 My husband and I divorced over religious differences.. He thought he was God and I didn’t.

2.. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive, only because it’s illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don’t take life too seriously – no one gets out alive.

6. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to ME

7… Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder .

8.. Earth – the insane asylum for the universe.

9..  I’m not a complete idiot — some parts are missing.

10.   Out of my mind, back in five minutes .

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12.. God must love stupid people. He made so many.

13..  The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being ‘over the hill’ is much better than being under it.

17..  Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18 . Procrastinate . . . . Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts – do You Want Fries With That?

20..  A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26..Ham and eggs…A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27.. The trouble with life is . . . there’s no background music.

28.. I smile because I don’t know what the heck is going on.

Appreciate what you have, especially your friends. Life is too short and friends are too few!

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a freakin’ call center in Afghanistan.

I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

6 beers

2 glasses of wine

2 bottles of wine – Shared of course

too many margaritas

3 Kamikazes

7 rum & cokes

1 large purple haze

3 martinis

1 bottle of tequila

If you got a chuckle or smile,
pass it on to someone who
Loves animals too. And even if they are not animal people, send it any way, this is too cute to keep

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of Meijer

and shyly walked up to

the woman behind the counter and said,

‘I’d like to buy a bra for my wife. ‘

‘ What type of bra?’

asked the clerk.

‘Type?’ inquires the man, ‘There’s more than one type?’
‘ Look around,’

said the saleslady,

as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour

and material imaginable.

‘Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .’

Relieved, the man asked

about the types.

The saleslady replied:

‘There are the Catholic,

the Salvation Army,

the Presbyterian,

and the Baptist types.

Which one would you prefer?’

Now totally befuddled,

the man asked about

the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded,

‘It is all really quite simple. .

The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.’

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used

to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why,

but couldn’t figure out

what the letters stood for,

it is about time

you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs…
{B} Barely there….
{C} Can’t Complain!..
{D} Dang!…
{DD} Double dang!…
{E} Enormous!…
{F} Fake…
{G} Get a Reduction…
{H} Help me, I’ve fallen

and I can’t get up!…

PS. They forgot the German bra.

Holtzemfromfloppen