Email Or Not

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband came into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!

TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They’re going 2 STICK! Careful.. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget that. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,he dialed the employee’s cell phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.

“Hello.”
“Is your daddy home?” he asked.
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?”
The child whispered, “No.”

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”
“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” the whisper answered.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A helicopter.” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed the helicopter.”

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle. “ME.!!:)

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are “documented by our video surveillance cameras”:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department – to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud-speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in
here.’ One of the Staff passed out.

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn’t go this time because his wife wouldn’t let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.

The following week when Dave’s buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. “How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?”

“I didn’t have to,” Dave replied. “Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn’t go fishing. Then the ol’ lady snuck up behind me, covered my eyes and said, ‘Surprise’.”

“When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ‘ Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want’….. So, Here I am!”

 

1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded.

‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied,

‘I’m having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.’

She looked down at his shoes and said:

‘You lying bastard!
You’ve been playing golf!’

 

 

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

but always talked about having a son.

 

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

 

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

 

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

 

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

 

He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?’

 

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
‘No, not this time!’

 

 

The 3rd Affair

 

A mortician was working late one night.

 

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

 

‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician
commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.’

 

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

 

‘I have something to show
you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

 

‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed,
‘Schwartz is dead!’

 

 

The 4th Affair

 

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

 

‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’

 

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

 

‘Don’t move until I tell you,’
she said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’

 

‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

 

‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied.
‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.’

 

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

 

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

 

‘Here,’ he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.’

 

 

The 5th Affair

 

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

 

‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’

 

‘One Cent?’ the man exclaimed.

 

He glanced at the menu and asked:
‘How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?’

 

‘A nickel,’ the barman replied…

 

‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man.
‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’

 

The bartender replied:
‘Upstairs, with my wife.’

 

The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs
with your wife?’

 

The bartender replied:
‘The same thing I’m doing
to his business down here.’

 

 

The 6th & Best Affair

 

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

 

He looked up and said weakly:
‘I have something I must confess.’

 

‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied.

 

‘No,’ he insisted,
‘I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!’

 

‘I know,’ she replied.
‘Now just rest and let the poison work!!